FAQs

So, the emails I receive from readers often contain similar questions, so I'll soon be creating an "About" page that will answer some of these queries. For now, I thought I'd answer THE most frequently asked questions I receive via email:

Why in creation did you name this place Velvet Lava Cafe? It's so lame.

I know, isn't it? It's because I really couldn't think of a damn thing at the time and just wanted to start writing. So, I took my two favorite desserts - Red Velvet Cake and Molten Lava Cake - and combined them into the disaster you now see before you. I flog myself daily for it.

Seriously, are you the size of a house? With all these desserts?

Well, like which house are you talking about? A doll house? Okay, no. See, I don't eat all the stuff I bake. We eat some individual portions at home - and then I bring the rest in for my co-workers, who now despise me to no living end. Also, I have a treadmill at home - and I get my ass ON IT and run like hell. Also, we go for runs, walks, hikes, and I burn a lot of calories just from complaining about shit. And, I eat pretty well; as in, lots of protein, fiber, and some veggies. If we eat out, it's mainly sushi.

Okay, give it UP. What DO you eat for breakfast and lunch from that ONE post?

Come on, MAN, let it GO! Why are people still on that? It's a good breakfast, but it's a dumb lunch - dumb! Fine. Call me out - caller outer! Breakfast is Light Vanilla Yogurt mixed with PB2 powder (thus, creating heavenly peanut butter yogurt beyond description), then toss in a cup of Kashi GoLean Cereal: consume. Okay? For the DUMB lunch: first, I have about 3/4 cup of low-fat cottage cheese so I get my OCD-protein allotment (sprinkled with Mrs. Dash Table Blend for you hair-splitters); after that, I have a cup of Fiber One cereal (the plain kind, otherwise known as rabbit food). Why? Because I'm scarred.

And all you other runners out there? You know you're just as neurotic as me about protein and complex carbs - so don't even try to hide behind your protein drinks out there, because I've got your number - you OCD nutballs, you. I better hear your support in comments. Yeah, I'm lookin' at you, Manager Mom and Kspinning!

Why do you use the [ - ] dash all the time?

You noticed that? Well, I'm just not satisfied with the current state of acceptable and more ubiquitous forms of punctuation - and the pauses they spawn, or don't spawn, in my writing. So, I often feel I need the dash for the proper break that I'm looking for in my head, as I'm writing. In other words, I have 2 realities going on and this [-] is my little bridge. You should try it. Because the semi-colon, period, colon, and all that? So last millennium.

What kind of camera do you use? And, do you shave or wax your legs?

Isn't that kinda personal, about my camera? Well, as far as the legs go - I shave. I tried waxing and holy hell - remember The 40 Year Old Virgin when he's getting his chest waxed and he screams out "NIPPLEFUCK!" in pain? That's how I feel about ripping hairs out of their follicles, pretty much.

As for the camera, I use the Nikon D40 - which I chose for its small size (it was between the D40, D80, and D200). For lenses, I use the Sigma 30mm f/1.4, Nikon 50mm f/1.8 (doesn't AF on the D40, btw, which is why I bought the Sigma), and my new baby - the Nikon 60mm f/2.8 Micro. The camera came with a 17-55mm kit lens, which I don't use for food photography - but would use for a few other things. I mostly use natural light, but sometimes have to use a flash. Don't let anyone tell you that you cannot use a flash - you just don't want a flash that points directly at the object. Buy a flash that has "tilt" or "bounce" capabilities - play around with it, and you can basically mimic daylight, when needed.

Why is there is no recipe for Lava Cakes?

Yeah, you caught that. Well, you see - I have about 10 different recipes for lava cakes and, therefore, [and this should be no surprise to anyone reading this blog for a while] am paralyzed as to which one to post here. So, the answer - clearly - is to post none at all, because that's how I roll. In other words, I don't roll - I just freeze instead.

You're obsessed with kitchen tools, but what is your all time favorite?

Oh, wow. I feel like I've just been punched. I'm not even sure how to answer this - i.e., favorite aesthetically? Utilitarian? Frequency? Okay, I will have to go with my Global Knives. I JUST love them to no end. They are heaven to use and are simply gorgeous as well - I love their design. I have the Santoku, a paring knife, and a serrated knife. But, it's the Santoku I have the real affair with and often stroke lovingly.

--------
Well, that's all for now folks. If you have any other burning questions, drop me an email - because you guys are damn funny.