Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My Presidential Pardons

As we approach the end of the current presidential term, we will likely begin to hear of some late-term presidential pardons that will have all of us rolling our eyes and passing around I-told-you-so's. I thought I'd kick start the process, instead of being fashionably late. Plus, in case the Bushinator, the Dubya himself was secretly pining for my prowess in pardon recommendations - well, here they are, being the good 'Merican that I am:

-- I pardon Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt for continuing to breed, produce gorgeous spawn, adopt needy children, maintain a perfect marriage, save New Orleans, save the WORLD - all the while making the rest of us feel like shitpiles. If it weren't for those last 2 things, the whole world would be forced to despise you with the venom of a thousand jellyfish stings. Do jellyfish have venom? Details. I pardon thees.

-- I pardon my dog, Wylie, for pissing on both our living room and master bedroom carpets to such an extent during his first year here at the new casa, that we were forced to spend thousands to replace his perceived indoor yard with new floors this year. Because of this, we can never properly amortize the cost of this dog - he has now become priceless in both the worst and best ways. We're giving him a tour of the pound later this week.

-- I pardon my PMS, every frickin' month, for jacking my mood around to the point where I kinda want to rip my skin open and crawl out of the person I've suddenly become - I mean, who is the capital B with the fuming pores? And does she need a colonic irrigation or what is her problem? She barely deserves a pardon.

-- I pardon the Winter of My Discontent, for being 4 years long; sayonara old friend and may the past stay in the past. And if not, I must introduce you to my middle digit.

-- I pardon the planet Pluto, for making us think it was a planet all this time. And, for making all the Moms out there now have to explain to their kids what-the-deal-with-Pluto-is. Who has time for that?

-- I pardon George Bush for _____ and _____ and _____ and _____ and _____ ...

-- I pardon the sun for not shining on February 17th of this year. The excuse it had? Pick one.

-- I pardon Powerball for cheating me out of my inheritance, every Wednesday and Saturday.

-- I pardon the South of France for being halfway across the world from me. Now, that's just plain rude.

-- I pardon that cloud from the other day that wouldn't form into the cute shape that I thought would serve it best. I know! Could I BE any more generous here? Benevolence incarnate.

-- I pardon Tony for all those times that he was all "uh huh, uh huh, yeah, yeah" while not hearing a dang syllable coming out of my pie hole - because he has yet to fully understand all he agreed to during those knock-off, imitation conversations. Ann 12, Tony 0.

I feel cleansed, purified. I think I understand why the ruler of the free world digs the Pardonez Vous - it's just good clean fun. I pardon thee. I pardon thou. I'm all about forgiveness, but this pardon thing? It's like forgiveness with a redbull-vodka and a few drips of absinthe. Beat that with a stick.

Go on...pardon something...

27 comments:

Clumbsy Cookie said...

I pardon food for calling my name to eat it.

I pardon men, for being the way they are. It's not their fault, it's their mother's fault.

I pardon men's mothers for raising such creatures. It's not their fault, it's the food...

See, it all comes down to food after all...
I admire you Ann for forgiving that cloud! I still have a lot to learn before having such a grandness of spirit! Thanks for inspiring me, but until then... I'll just keep eating...

Sarah B. said...

I'm at work, so not much time to comment. But this was such a great way to begin my day. I will be considering that which I might pardon as I proceed through my day. I don't know if I can pardon Brangelina for spawning though.

YD's a little bit of everything place said...

I pardon my dog Samantha for eating 3 $100 bills from the table while we weren't watching.

I pardon the sun for not shining right now.

I pardon my husband for all the "what's for dinner" episodes.

You are so funny Ann. :-)

standing still said...

I go along with everything except your Pardon for GWB, the Boy King. I hate that man with the white heat of a thousand suns, and Pardon You will never escape my lips in his presence. BTW, 215 days left.

Grace said...

i pardon you, oh master of sarcasm, for making me laugh out loud at work and drawing evil glares from my co-workers. you are totally to blame, as it was through no fault of my own. :)

Kelsey said...

I pardon my husband for being a total pain in my ass last night. I think it was a full moon. And I think you're right on the inner bitch coming out.

Sugar said...

I pardon the last vestiges of muffin top that refuse to jump off like the rest of the flab. I pardon the kids for the stretch marks. I pardon my friend R for being so much better than everyone else and then falling flat on her face... and I hope she pardons me back for posting that... And pardone moi, my sweet little children for everytime that I use the word Jackass when referring to your father. Woopsy!

Meagan said...

I pardon my dog as well, but for pooping on my WHITE leather bag that I had plopped on the floor. Make that my white leather PRICEY bag. Why do I buy summer colors, why?

morton said...

I pardon abercrombie and fitch for having those suggestive pictures the size of a house of half naked men giving me the, "You could totally be gay for me" look, and making me question everything I thought to be true.

I pardon myself for typing the above pardon.

shit.

diva said...

aww ann u made my day with this post. ;) lemme say in my best, most posh French accent - SUPERB!

let's see....

- i pardon A&F for their fucking hypocritical work ethics and gorgeous clothes tagged with ridiculous prices

- i pardon materialism, alcoholism and rude shopaholics

- i pardon the English weather for being so goddamn depressing about 85% of the time, but which (God bless England) induces the perfect melancholia and pensiveness that inspires literary sparks in me

- i pardon overweight baggage charges. Women don't travel light, alright? So don't f-ing charge me.

this is starting to get fun, but i can feel the tiny hairs on my neck starting to rise. so before i get any angstier...fantastic post ann!! i await more of your wonderful writings and food action.

xxx

Lisa said...

LOL - this is great!

I pardon the caipirinha for being so dang seductive and leaving me to feel like poop in the morning!

I pardon myself for being seduced, more than once. . . .

I pardon Italy for being 6,000 miles and two airplane rides away.

I pardon summer for not yet having arrived in Seattle, thereby necessitating resort to the aforementioned caipi's.

Finally, I pardon all of the idiot bicycles, pedestrians, and automobiles out there who think that their right to the road is supreme over all others.

Yep, benevolence incarnate indeed!!

Jennifer H said...

Yeah, I'm with you on all of them except for the GWB pardon.

This was such a great post. I'm not much in the pardoning mood today, but I'll work on it!

Clever girl.

Ann said...

Clumbsy - LMAO - it ALL comes down to FOOD, doesn't it? Damn. You're good.

Sarah - I know, the Brangelina was such a gimme, yes?

YD - NO WAY!! The dog ate $300? Wow. She has good...taste?

Standing Still - I KNEW that GWB would just not play with you, just knew. :)

Grace - oops. Tell your coworkers it was prescribed by your doctor, the laughter thing. Works every time.

Kelsey - it was the full moon, girl. Everyone was a bitch yesterday - men, woman, dogs, worms - ALL.

Sugar - love those! Especially the Jackass.

Morton - LOVE your honesty, what a great pardon and then a self pardon. Never too late. Shit huh?

Diva - you clever little tart you. Just love it all. Here in the desert, where it's sunny ALL the time - I do treasure those England-y days...

Lisa - love these! How dare Italy, I mean really? Why? And, do you think Seattle is just going to go ahead and SKIP summer this year or what? GEEZE!

Jennifer - I don't know if it's clever, but it was fun. And, I hear you on the GWB, which is why I couldn't think of a darn thing to put in there...or...why they ran into infinity...the list would be too long. Go Obama! Woot!

Melissa said...

I pardon gravity for pulling my butt in the wrong direction.

NV said...

LOVE this post and all the comments! Cracked me up this morning. Thanks.

I pardon genetics for the cruel task of slowly transforming me into my mother.

I pardon that frigging white horse for dying and perpetually keeping Prince Charming from arriving on the scene.

I pardon the randomness of Powerball for never selecting the numbers on my ticket.

I pardon fate for making me a woman, thereby requiring me to work harder for less money.

Laura @ Hungry and Frozen said...

I've never heard of a Presidential Pardon in my life, but am totally loving this :) hilarious stuff.

I'm far too mean and grudgy to pardon anyone. Wait - I do pardon my English lecturer who I am in total awe of and long to impress, for saying my essay was "disappointing" (before lighting a cigarette).

YD's a little bit of everything place said...

Yes, she ate $100!!! She is one expensive dog that's for sure.

Rebecca said...

I pardon myself for being so irritated with work that I finally, and mistakenly, used the word *fuck* in a meeting. Felt good at the time. Co-workers loved it, boss did not.

morton said...

i pardon myself for kissing instead of holding back.

Ann said...

Melissa - ah, yes - that is so benevolent of you to pardon gravity. I don't know if I have such largesse of spirit.

NV - Love 'em! Powerball is stealing your inheritance as well I see.

Rebecca - oops. SO wish I could've been at that meeting.

Morton - Ah yes, I think we've all been there.

Razor Family Farms said...

No pardons here... nope. I need all the pardoning, thanks. One person I really can't pardon: you for living so dang far away. Why, why, why? Who else would understand my overwhelming NEED to make fun of strangers with fairy godmother blue eyeshadow and stripper shoes or grown men who wear t-shirts with stupid things written on them like, "In case of fire, pull hose."

Who, I ask?

No, my dear minxy friend, you are NOT pardoned. :)

Blessings!
Lacy

Flanboyant Eats said...

this was great for my first time visit to ur blog. my list would be way too long to get started. but three that come to mind:

I pardon Haagen-Daz for producing the best damn green tea ice-cream ever to enter my mouth, an entire pint of which i just crushed at 2:30 am.

I still pardon HD for forcing me to inevitably get up at noon tomorrow and walk 6 miles just to get my hips back into pre 2:30 shape and form.

I pardon Port for getting me to the point where I woke up the next morning asking "did you take advantage of me"?

Manager Mom said...

I pardon my mother in law, for being kind of nutty. The older I get, the more I understand bringing the crazy.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I have to echo Standing Still and Jennifer H. Not. Going. To. Pardon. George W. Ever.

Ann said...

Lacy - lol, you are so cool! So darn cool!

Flanboyant - Why do the best foods in life have the most calories, WHY?

Manager Mom - I know - isn't it scary sometimes - the clarity that comes w/ age, the kind we don't really want?

Jenn - LOL. See the point is, I didn't pardon GWB for anything - it was all blanks, but nobody got the joke. Clearly, I am not a good comedian. :)

Gigi said...

This was too funny! I loved it!

I pardon myself for not wanting to pardon anyone.

zick said...

I pardon my parents for bringing me into this world.