As we approach the end of the current presidential term, we will likely begin to hear of some late-term presidential pardons that will have all of us rolling our eyes and passing around I-told-you-so's. I thought I'd kick start the process, instead of being fashionably late. Plus, in case the Bushinator, the Dubya himself was secretly pining for my prowess in pardon recommendations - well, here they are, being the good 'Merican that I am:
-- I pardon Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt for continuing to breed, produce gorgeous spawn, adopt needy children, maintain a perfect marriage, save New Orleans, save the WORLD - all the while making the rest of us feel like shitpiles. If it weren't for those last 2 things, the whole world would be forced to despise you with the venom of a thousand jellyfish stings. Do jellyfish have venom? Details. I pardon thees.
-- I pardon my dog, Wylie, for pissing on both our living room and master bedroom carpets to such an extent during his first year here at the new casa, that we were forced to spend thousands to replace his perceived indoor yard with new floors this year. Because of this, we can never properly amortize the cost of this dog - he has now become priceless in both the worst and best ways. We're giving him a tour of the pound later this week.
-- I pardon my PMS, every frickin' month, for jacking my mood around to the point where I kinda want to rip my skin open and crawl out of the person I've suddenly become - I mean, who is the capital B with the fuming pores? And does she need a colonic irrigation or what is her problem? She barely deserves a pardon.
-- I pardon the Winter of My Discontent, for being 4 years long; sayonara old friend and may the past stay in the past. And if not, I must introduce you to my middle digit.
-- I pardon the planet Pluto, for making us think it was a planet all this time. And, for making all the Moms out there now have to explain to their kids what-the-deal-with-Pluto-is. Who has time for that?
-- I pardon George Bush for _____ and _____ and _____ and _____ and _____ ...
-- I pardon the sun for not shining on February 17th of this year. The excuse it had? Pick one.
-- I pardon Powerball for cheating me out of my inheritance, every Wednesday and Saturday.
-- I pardon the South of France for being halfway across the world from me. Now, that's just plain rude.
-- I pardon that cloud from the other day that wouldn't form into the cute shape that I thought would serve it best. I know! Could I BE any more generous here? Benevolence incarnate.
-- I pardon Tony for all those times that he was all "uh huh, uh huh, yeah, yeah" while not hearing a dang syllable coming out of my pie hole - because he has yet to fully understand all he agreed to during those knock-off, imitation conversations. Ann 12, Tony 0.
I feel cleansed, purified. I think I understand why the ruler of the free world digs the Pardonez Vous - it's just good clean fun. I pardon thee. I pardon thou. I'm all about forgiveness, but this pardon thing? It's like forgiveness with a redbull-vodka and a few drips of absinthe. Beat that with a stick.
Go on...pardon something...