Sunday, November 2, 2008

My 6th Sense & A Herniated Burrito

I have a 6th sense. They say that kids who suffer trauma cope by developing hyper-awareness to undercurrents, body language, people's energy, mixed signals etcetera -- because being able to read people and predict behavior keeps them safe. For better or worse, I have that thingy - and it can be entertaining, at times.

We were at Chipotle (a burrito place) yesterday and ordering to my right was a guy around our age. Since I was standing about a foot away from him while we were both customizing our forearm-size burritos, his energy hit me full-on. For whatever reason, it felt like a bug splattered on my windshield. He annoyed me - uptight, tense, pretentious, really self-aware, snappish (though he said nothing, this is only what I felt). I know, dumb right? For me to feel that about a stranger? But I'm telling you, my radar blips with that kind of crap.

So, the gal starts rolling up this dude's burrito and at the very end of the carnal act, the bulging, gluttonous burrito splits about a 1/2 inch to relieve itself. The gal looks up at the dude and is all, "is that all-right? or do you want a new one?" -- oh hello, it's ON. At this point, the fellas in my head who run my 6th-sense radar are cracking beers, putting their feet up, and taking bets.

I can literally feel the dude's blood pressure sky rocket to about 200/120, the pulse in his carotid artery nearly punched me in the face, and I swear he almost chewed his own molars if only so he could use his mouth as a weapon of mass destruction toward the gal, his jagged teeth as the bullets (which I'm sure would be bleached and damn free of tartar). After a full 5-second pause - our contained explosion, through his clenched jaw, hissed "no, it's fine" - most likely because there were other customers of his peer group present, and after a quick, careful, internal pro-con pie chart calculation - he figured it would be less painful to accept the imperfect, herniated burrito than to blow his cool (and his teeth) in front of the INCREDIBLY cool and chic people to his left.

In the parking lot, I watched him walk away and I was thinking to myself "I bet he's parked really far away" -- and sure enough, he kept walking and walking and walking. I wanted to ask him if he needed a ride to his ride, for the love of beans. Come ON! As we were pulling away, I finally saw him arrive at his car - parked so completely by itself, so far from potentially interacting with any other entity - that he nearly worked off that burrito's calories just in the to/fro. Yep, he's that guy who parks his car that way.

I turned to Tony and said, "Thanks for not being the kind of guy who has his panties so far up his ass about A CAR that he has to park it in another county. And by the way, thanks for not driving a mid-life crisis car, for not looking like you spend more time on your hair than me, for not having an overly-worked gym body, for not wearing the same jeans you did in high school, and for not being an uptight bug. I think you deserve something REALLY special today."

A suggestive grin spreads across his face.

"I'm going to give you a....

....choice of what I shall bake today."

Suggestive grin fades significantly.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Tartlets

I know! ANOTHER chocolate peanut butter thingy! Well, this is what we all get when I ask Tony what he wants me to bake: it's either chocolate with chocolate or chocolate with peanut butter. Once, he did say cheesecake - and I started backing-up and looking around for an alien pod in which I might find his real body, I was so taken aback by the request. Anyway, these tartlets? If there is a god, then god help us all. These are INSANE. The peanut butter filling is the best I've ever had - it will almost make you tip right over the edge of the cliff; seriously, it's the best peanut butter filling I've made to date - period. If you think you can handle it, make these - otherwise - save yourself, while there's still time.

1 c. AP flour
1/8 t. salt
1/4 c. sugar
2 T. cocoa powder
1/2 c. unsalted butter, cubed
1 egg yolk
1-2 T. ice cold water

1/2 c. peanut butter
1/2 c. cream cheese, softened
2 T. unsalted butter, softened
1/4 c. sugar
1 t. vanilla

4 oz. unsweetened chocolate, chopped
1/2 c. whipping cream

In medium bowl, combine flour, salt, sugar, and cocoa. To this mixture, cut in the cubed butter until it resembles a damp sand. Combine the egg with 1 T. of the ice water and pour over the mixture, stirring only until mixture becomes moistened; if mixture is too dry, add up to 1 T. of ice water. The dough should hold the form of a ball. Cover with plastic wrap and chill for 30 minutes.

Preheat oven to 425F and place cookie sheet in oven.

Now, here's where you have choices: this recipe can make (8) 4-inch tartlets -or- around 24 mini-tartlets, which is what I made above. If making 4-inch tartlets, roll out the dough and cut out 5-inch rounds; press them into the tartlet pan, with removable bottoms. If making mini-tartlets: depending on the size of your tin, use a tsp. or tbsp. size ball of dough and press it into the tin.

Place tartlet pans on cookie sheet and bake blind (using pie weights or beans) for 5 minutes; take out of oven and remove weights. Lower the temperature to 350F and bake for up to 5 minutes more, until crust has darkened. Transfer to wire rack to cool.

Cream peanut butter, cream cheese, and butter with an electric mixer on high speed. Add sugar and beat until fluffy; add vanilla and combine. Fill tart shells generously and chill for 2 hours. After chilling, heat whipping cream in small saucepan to boiling; pour cream over the chocolate in a heatproof bowl and stir until smooth. Cool slightly (until ganache has cooled, but is still liquid enough for decorating purposes). Drizzle over tartlets and chill for at least 30 minutes. ENJOY!!

Come to Mama, baby. Get thee in my pie-hole.


Anonymous said...

Wow, those look like the best chocolate peanut butter cups I will EVER eat.

Anonymous said...

O M G it looks like heaven!!

TNelson said...

I have been a lurker here for a long time. I also love red velvet cake and lava cake and I LOVE your writing style. You almost always make me smile. Looking forward to more great posts.



Anonymous said...

Mmmmm! Tony sure knows how to pick'em--both recipes and women. Thanks for making me smile!

Katie said...

I saw these on Tastespotting and I had to click! Yum!

I just thought I'd add that I really love your blog - your posts are so funny and your stories always crack me up. Keep it up! :)

Anonymous said...

OMG, actually burst out laughing several times during this one. You're really on a roll today. Thankful I finished my soda as it would've been spouting out my nose.

Ingrid_3Bs said...

Yum, those look and sound fantastic! Tony's no dummy!

I might have seen that same suggestive look on my Honey's face a time or two and then I remind him that the door's not locked. (kids!) I crack up everytime I see that crestfallen look he get after I tell him. LOL!

Anna Lefler said...

I'm literally drooling all over my keyboard. Dang, those look delicious!

And I loved the burrito story....heh, heh, heh

:^) Anna

hungryandfrozen said...

Ohhhh these look way too delicious. My thighs are expanding just looking at that chocolate stuff. The suggestive smile disappearing- For what it's worth, it made me laugh so hard :D

Adam said...

Soooo... you're basically saying maybe your 6th sense is a little off? That guy totally fooled you... he was normal :) But at least you didn't get punched in the face by the carotid (I loved that reference)

Seriously, keep on baking the PB choco treats, you have a serious knack for them.

And I have (ok more like HAD) the overly worked gym body. Guess it's fighting time :)

Danielle Hall said...

Hahahaha I love the story. The tartlets look delicious. And I can sympathize with the chocolate peanut butter combo. Anytime I ask my bf what he wants me to bake it's a choco PB combo regardless of it's form.

Jerry said...

The story is hilarious! And no you aren't crazy about the sixth sense, I get it too. Usually mine hits, when I'm grabbing coffee.
Tarts look fabulous and gluttonous!

Anonymous said...

Heeee! Loved your description of that guy!

Also, a technical question - would this recipe work for 1 big 8"-9" standard tart pan?? (Please say yes!!!) :-)

YD, sometimes with ♥June and ♥Angel Samantha said...

Damn you woman! You are making me fat!!!

dharmamama said...

Oh, thank goodness, I'm out of cream cheese or I'd have to call in to work and make these right now. Gracious.

I know what you mean about the sixth sense - I trust mine more than anything else. Unless I'm PMS-y, then I think *everyone* is type-A, uptight and pretentious, when for goodness' sake, they just want a burrito.

Speaking of which - I didn't go to Chipotle, but a friend and I went to a fish taco place last night, and I had a tuna wasabi burrito, with aioli. Holy moley, it was good. So good, I had the leftovers for breakfast and wish I had more.

flutter said...

Screw my sugabetes! I am SO making those

grace said...

oooooo-weee, they look luscious! perfect little bites.
meanwhile, i love chipotle and hate uptight imbeciles. you just know he wouldn't even taste something like your tartlets lest he temporarily gain a pound. what a sad life. :)

Clumbsy Cookie said...

Well the fellas in my head who run my 6th-sense radar tell me these pb-choc tartelets are great! Tony toatlly deserved them for not being that guy!

Anonymous said...

J heard me laughing at this post last night WITH his headphones on! You are a freak! I love it! But now I'm worried about running into you someday and having my aura scare you away... ;)

Unknown said...

for some reason i'm struck by "insane in the membrane" going thru my head...

Anonymous said...

this is fantastic, especially for me, a person who is addicted to the combination of chocolate and peanut butter. and those photos are mind blowing! said...

These little things couldn't possibly be fattening! Look how innocent they are in their cute widdle tart shells. How could anything so completely darling be bad for me?

Don't answer that. Just ignore me licking the screen.

Oh, and I am so with you on that tight-assed prig at the burrito shop. I can't stand those guys -- slightly balding with frosted hair that's all spiked up and they drive a Jeep or a Hummer or something with jeans that they purchased pretorn from Abercrombie. Yeah, I've seen those guys and had to be held back because all I want to do is tell them how revolting they are and how no one is fooled into thinking that they aren't washed up middle aged farts instead of twenty-one year old frat boys.



MonkeyGirl said...

Sixth sense? - all I hear in my head is "I see dumb people". I always want to park right up close to them just to irritate them!

And I'm guessing there is a more technical definition for "bake blind" than keeping your eyes shut? Good thing or I would totally have to eat all of these myself!

MonkeyGirl said...

Sixth sense? - all I hear in my head is "I see dumb people". I always want to park right up close to them just to irritate them!

And I'm guessing there is a more technical definition for "bake blind" than keeping your eyes shut? Good thing or I would totally have to eat all of these myself!

Ann said...

Mona: yes, it would easily work for a 8-9 tart pan; in fact, you'd probably have some dough left over. :)

Anonymous said...

Tee-hee! You said pie hole. best saying EVER.

vanillasugarblog said...

Where did you get that first statement from? I just wanted to read more on that subject as I know "exactly" where you're coming from.
Anywho, these little precious gems are pure evil and that's a good thing!

Anonymous said...

Ah, I had a buddy like that once until a few of us ridiculed him so bad he's pretty darned modest now :)

That or he's secretly taking blood pressure pills....who knows? Or who cares?

Well, I at least hope Tony got a taste of those anyway!

Jesse said...

So funny! I've thanked my husband for the same things... and I too have suggestively offered.... to bake him things. His face falls in the same way and all I'm thinking is "where's the gratitude - sheesh!" :)

Gigi said...

omg, ann we should have drink together. seriously. i need to see this radar in action. i never laughed so hard in life before!

John D. said...

"...thanks for not driving a mid-life crisis car, for not looking like you spend more time on your hair than me, for not having an overly-worked gym body, for not wearing the same jeans you did in high school, and for not being an uptight bug...

OMG! Guilty. Guilty. Semi-guilty. Not guilty. Semi-guilty. This explains SO much. Thank you Ann. *sigh*

And DOUBLE OMG WOMAN!! Chocolatey peanut butter thingy drippy tarty things! Get thee in my pie-hole INDEED! A hearty Homer-esque "Arrgghhhhhhhhh!"

: )

Lynne said...

Those look totally delicious - I need to try one. Yummy.

Anonymous said...

i wanna have a 6th sense too!! ann, please please please come to england or at least send me some of that mind-blowing tart my way :D xx

Cathy - wheresmydamnanswer said...

So I guess I will have to spin alittle extra ass off after making these little babies!! WOW incredible...

The Peanut Butter Boy said...

I was just informed that you have some great peanut butter recipes and you didn't let me down! This look fabulous! I want a big scoop of that filling!

Anonymous said...

Holy God this looks good, and oh my god I think I know the guy you were standing next to (we probably all know "him").

This recipe reminds me a bit of my best friends' momma's peanut butter chocolate cake she makes every festive occasion. It's not so much a cake as it is a tart.

Perhaps I'll suggest a renaming...